Once again...

Every day I try to be better. I felt like here was just showing one side of me somewhat. I very rarely wrote the completely honest stuff here. So there is another me blog out there in cyberspace. But where as this got the weird quirky cute stuff I thought, the other got the angry crazy weird stuff I thought. Now I have what feels like very little time for one blog much less two so I decided why two... why not just one.

Every now and again I want to have a pity party for one. Just a release of everything I feel bad about. It is not the kind of thing I want a shoulder to cry on. It's more of a lean on myself moment. I had one last night. We were in Target looking for cards just before this. And it hit me that this would be the first time I wouldn't be trying to find a funny card or ecard to send to my grandfather. It was a stray throught that just hit me.

And then it got me thinking about my own dad. He has prostrate cancer. He is taking the wait and see attitude. I think he is mainly concerned about how it will affect his relationship with my mom. Next to Christ, she is the main focus of his world. P. says she respect his decision about treatment. I wobble on the idea of respecting and worrying. I love my father and I want him around for as long as possible. I love his sense of humor and his deeply set beliefs. I love his quirkiness and his love for my mom. I love his questing and curiousity. I love his commitment to learning and his caring for people. I love how he made childhood fun and the way he made me so very special. And even though he speaks of how dirt poor we were, I didn't feel it. I know he and Mom worked really hard to provide for us.

In the midst of all this thinking and hunting of cards, I also picked up one for my brother. This is his first father's day. He is the proud father of a teenager. And since his wife and daughter still speak to him, he must be doing a good job. All that I have seen in the times when I have hung out with them speak to that fact.

And yes, all of this went through my head either while looking for cards or on the way out the door to hunt pipecleaners. Which apparently should be added to the endangered list.

So I sat in my car for a second just pondering these facts and crying last night. But laughing too. I am nothing if not a contradiction. It didn't help that I was having a very exhausting week and a very badly bruise and hurting at that time foot. Which is a whole other story.

But not a long one though. It is all J's fault. If she hadn't brought me that dining room table, I won't have been cleaning off the old one and putting pictures up above my kitchen cabinets. I won't have then been standing on the old chair which won't have broken. And I wouldn't have landed squarely on my big left toe. It's not broken but I have had to stay off of it (mostly ; ) I kind of overdid it last night and hence the hurting at this time comment.

Thus here I am. One bruised foot but feeling better for the emotional release. Go with peace to love and serve the Lord. Thanks be to God.

Good night and peace be with you....